I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
