She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
