In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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