he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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