I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hippo gnu deer
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
