I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
