Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
