last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
