I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
