Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
