history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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