i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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