her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
