I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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