Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize