yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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