How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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