so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
