I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
