There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
