Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
