Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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