Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
