apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize