we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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