I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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