I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
