My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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