Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
