All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
