You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize