life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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