4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
As shirtless as possible
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
