I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
