Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
