oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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