This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
