you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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