she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
