when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize