i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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