By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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