If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
