Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
