you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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