Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
