when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize