life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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