it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's blow job season.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
