Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
