They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
