my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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