We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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