So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
