Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
