I can't watch pbs sober anymore
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
