Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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