Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
