Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
