Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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