I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
