apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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