I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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